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[Wednesday
July 19, 2006
02:58am] |
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Arbeit Macht Frei
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[Wednesday
July 12, 2006
12:48am] |
Well, it's the middle of July, and that can mean the passing of only one thing...
( 5th Annual Koger Redneck, White, and Blue Throwdown, 2006 )
So now I am sitting here in a 82-degree room (hate you Dad) and listening to the menu music of RENT play over and over again. My quarter-birthday was two days ago, and I know you want to give me the gift of the soundtrack.
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[Tuesday
June 27, 2006
10:17pm] |
Like. I like it all. Every bit of everything, I like. (Except for how much I eat but that is just me being a very shallow girl with a bad body image and what is probably an eating disorder).
Summer Reading: 75% done. All that remains is The Importance of Being Earnest, which was on my Amazon wish list prior to having it assigned for Theatre II. Therefore, 100% completion is right around the corner!
I want a REAL journal. Badly. REAL badly.
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[Sunday
June 18, 2006
01:21pm] |
I am so terrible at everything and I don't want to know what stars are crossed that are making the thing I'm worst at pop up more often than it has in the recent (or really any) past.
But I did download the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album (really delayed I know, and yeah illegality!) and it's really good. And I got to see my mom so things are alright. I finished Ramayana, & I'm out of debt (to a degree) soon! Woo!
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[Friday
June 16, 2006
02:00pm] |
There is something in the water in west Texas, I am sure of it. But water obviously isn't the only thing my family drinks.
( I don't even know )
I'm dying, or something.
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[Thursday
June 15, 2006
02:45am] |
I don't even know what my problem with horoscopes is. I guess they're just so vague that I'm really into the fact I can apply them to any situation, but this one now, too dead-on.
"Someone who didn't appeal to you in the love department ages ago may end up being number one with a bullet. If an ex comes calling out of blue, don't immediately write them off; hear what they have to say."
Just about WTF!
And when it comes to something about reconnecting with people who I knew so well a while back, I will convert to whatever religion is really into horoscopes. This is too creepy.
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[Thursday
June 15, 2006
02:11am] |
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While giving me a sense of being free, being 100% open and awkward is, basically, just awkward.
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[Wednesday
June 14, 2006
12:25pm] |
Obligatory Summer Boy Whine:
It's complicated and I don't think I like it. It's a chance, yes, but I don't think I want to take it. Of course, my father is being a sweetheart and helping me through, in no way letting up in his determination to turn me celibate (working quite well so far). But in a way I'm kind of thankful, but I'm still faced with the task of making up terrible excuses and feeling awful about it the whole way through. It's not really that I'm interested and am upset that any progress is being interrupted; it's that I just don't like being so mean, because in theory things would be great if I wasn't so awkward.
In other news, I am a sick 50% done with the Ramayana, and summer has just barely begun. Still, I am only 10% done with all the things that need to be done for classes next year, not to mention my Spanish course which I still have not been able to begin due to a delayed textbook delivery.
While I haven't really been up to much, summer has been great: it's more liberating this year than I think it has been in the past. I don't know if it's the ability to move myself (ourselves) around, but nearly anything I have wanted to do, within reason, I have done. This began earlier than just May 25 or whenever school ended, but I have let go of so much and am perfectly alright being myself, mentally and physically. Besides camp, makeup is a foreign object, and wearing a skirt is "dressing up". I really don't think I have worn a real shirt since summer began, and I am alright with that. I actually prefer it. I haven't censored myself in what could be considered too long, and whatever I think, people are more likely to hear than they have been in the past. Sometimes this can backfire but I think that in the end it's the best.
Also Buddhism is really cool.
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[Tuesday
June 06, 2006
10:52pm] |
Sometimes it's nearly impossible not to take horoscopes seriously:
"That certain someone has always been intriguing. Maybe it's time to schedule a grown-up play date. Stimulating company is always good for the grey matter -- not to mention your social life."
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[Friday
May 19, 2006
11:26pm] |
Just as Marissa's death last night was so unthinkable that I still don't really believe it happened, summer is so close that it doesn't feel like it is. My freshman year has literally blown by; it doesn't feel like that long ago that I was at Maroon Roundup and debuting my metal-free smile. And now I am, in essence, halfway done with highschool, except not at all. I still have three years of work ahead of me, but really even more since I'm compressing it into two. Truthfully, I'm worried that it will go by at the same rate this year did, and it will be all over before I know it; but at the same time I'm eager for that exact thing to happen. But honestly, am I ready to be on my own?
And currently, that's the same approach I have towards summer. What am I going to do with myself?! I ask this every summer, and, unfortunately, when I have to ask what my plans for myself are, they usually end up being a lot of nothing.. a LOT of nothing. While I've lately been feeling like summer is the only thing that can save me, I'm, at the same time, worried that I'm not going to appreciate it fully. I'm sure this will be different by Wednesday of next week, when I'm actually sitting through four hours of tests every day, but right now I'm feeling I'll miss the reluctance to return to school, I just really like something about that feeling. It makes me want to do everything right then, since I know I only have two days; with 90 days, am I going to put everything off, knowing there's "always" a tomorrow? Oh, let's hope not.
I'm going to actually make this summer something. Yeah.
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[Sunday
May 14, 2006
10:08pm] |
Today, my horoscope read that "These are the kind of circumstances under which you thrive." How dearly I hope that is true, because this is all sometimes too much to handle.
Besides being swamped with work and wanting school to end so badly, there are even bigger issues going on in my life. This weekend, I learned that my halfbrother, who lives with my mom, was diagnosed with Fragile X syndrome, a genetic disorder resulting in severe mental retardation. At a chronological age of 33 months, he is operating like a 10 month old; his progress will continue at the same rate, and by 21, he will have the mind of a 7 year old. Even despite my mom's endless consolation, I can hardly handle that figure. My mom is amazing, and has taken all of this wonderfully in stride, and trying to get me to do the same. I just feel so helpless, and I hate that. Luckily, there are numerous resources and places to help my brother; it's not like I love him any differently because of this, I'm just scared for him.
Also, I would warn you not to use the term "retarded" as a derogatory term around me, unless you really want a slap in the face. It's uncontrollable, and it affects a family in a big way. It's not a joke.
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[Sunday
May 07, 2006
11:12pm] |
This weekend I did alot of catching up, and I don't think I've consistently felt this good, over the course of an entire weekend, in a while. I feel almost at peace with myself and my life, and I really really like it.
Good conversation with a boy who I haven't talked to in a while, and I'm glad to know he's doing well. Great chill time with a girl who I haven't seen nearly nearly enough of the past few weeks. And it just keeps getting better; the one thing that can usually have the power to ruin a good part of my weekend (a whole night at least) may have come to an end, and my dad may have learned some reasonability. If he hasn't, he's pretending like he has, and that is good enough for me.
School right now is playing the role of storm before the calm, and (calendar) summer is taking a while to make an appearance. Weekends are doing a sufficient job of subbing in, though, and frankly, I wouldn't be okay with summer starting tomorrow. While I'm so ready to wear tank tops, shorts, and swimsuits all day everyday, my body isn't. I'm convinced the only reason it isn't May 25th yet is because I need two weeks to lose weight and get my act together.
But that's not at all to say that I'm not going to scream with excitement once the calendar does change!!
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[Tuesday
April 25, 2006
08:46pm] |
Now all the ladies love Kels 'cause Kels is fresh
And plus Kels got "superpimp" across his chest
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[Monday
April 24, 2006
06:27pm] |
When I'm not talking, I'm walking through the halls humming.
I don't plan to update much until summer because it will be necessary for all intelligence to be devoted to school; focusing in itself will be hard enough, not to mention actually doing the work.
I can't think. But I do know that one thing is looking like a dud before it even begins. Oh well. Life.
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[Saturday
April 15, 2006
09:57pm] |
"Kelsey why can't you just be my sister?"
Other than a few disturbing stories and one too many embarassing situations, this weekend has been amazing. I'm not going to let my father's rudeness get me down and I am going to look at the better parts of this weekend, like when I stopped and thought about how I had been smiling pretty much all day, and for no specific reason other than that things were looking so nice and the people I know are the people I love and probably the best people to be around. I know that you will probably hear me say "I can't wait until summer" countless times for the next five weeks, but if every weekend is as good as this one it will be a piece of cake to do so. I just really love life right now for the most part.
But I'm going to do something I haven't done in a while and be really pathetic and whine about wanting a boy(space optional)friend. Being a third wheel (but not awkwardly so) to Amanda and Chase's hangouts has made me want that really bad, a feeling only driven by the running joke of a relationship between myself and a certain person. I don't know why I feel like I need this so badly, and I probably, in all actuality, don't need it as much as I make myself feel like I do, but I am a teenage girl and that is what I am supposed to do. I've just had such a good time hanging out this weekend and I want a relationship like that that I can call my own. Relationship implies boyfriend-girlfriend title, which isn't necessary and I almost wonder if it's not desired, and instead just a close friend who happens to have anatomical parts I don't. I don't want another best friend because the two I have are beyond great, but I want a boy friend, for sure. I just sort of like the person I am around guys, and I want to be able to be that person more often; while I like the fact that I can be whoever I want whenever I want around Amanda & Lisa, I enjoy actually having to try sometimes. (It's probably good practice for when I'm introduced into the civilized public, although for the general population's sake I might want to work on my "presentable" personality.)
:]
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[Friday
April 14, 2006
01:58am] |
"Could you please ask before you drink half my life?!"
"How can she drink half your life.."
"Shut up my life is Diet Coke. Don't go there."
"No, that's not what I was going to say."
"What were you going to say?"
"..if you don't have one."
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[Monday
April 10, 2006
12:05am] |
I have this really ominous feeling that maybe my birthday won't be so great. It's sad that my parents made me feel this way, but it's comforting to think that my friends will make up for what my parents are lacking in - basically love.
Anyway, I don't want to be so negative on my birthday because that's so not who I am.
This weekend was great although I would have liked to have seen more of Lisa; I feel confident about my English test which was so inconveniently scheduled for tomorrow (today) and so I shouldn't be complaining. Plus, it's common knowledge that my parents suck; I shouldn't let it get me down.
Now if my MySpace age would just change - I don't feel fifteen yet.
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[Friday
April 07, 2006
10:47pm] |
What can I say; innocence is attractive.
Also, my birthday is in three days, and I may be a spoiled brat, but I don't think anyone can quite understand how badly I want this:
I know that I have a Mini and I love it but he is just not enough for me.
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[Saturday
March 25, 2006
03:00pm] |
Why'd you have to be so cute!?
It's impossible to ignore you.
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